"Good-bye Kitty" & the BIG NEWS!

So remember that one time I wrote my first blog post EVER and promised that you would have something to read and most likely laugh at every week from then on out for the rest of your LIFE?? And then I told you that you should totally “check-in” every once in a while to see what my magnificently cracked-out mind and body has encountered and/or created lately????


Yeahhhh………….. about that.

I lied. And I’m sorry.

I’m just going to be straight up and tell you that although it may seem like I have the strength of an ox and the ferociousness of a lion…. Well, I totally do. However, what I do not have is super-human powers.I would totally love to have these—but unfortunately, I do not. And therefore,there was no way I was able to weasel my way out of feeling like complete crap and a half over the past couple of weeks…... And ya know, not feeling 100% ultimately leads to procrastination. Duh.

So since my second round of BITE therapy began, I definitely have not felt like the girl on spring break who won the white T-shirt contest (SUPER excited and hyped up on energy….and proud, duh.) Not to mention I haven’t exactly felt like the beauty queens in all the Iphone captured photos online (super-modelishously beautiful of course).

Yeahhh…….no. I definitely haven’t felt like that lately. I mean, let’s be honest…. those girls gotta feel good. On the inside AND out.

 

If I'm not at the doctors' office, I pretty much just sleep until noon and try to wake up until about 4pm.... Which is when I finally feel like I can get my life together and do something. So I take a bath and by the time I get all freshened up and put together, I'm too tired to do anything again. So I lay back down and watch TV, fall asleep at midnight and do it all over again the next day. Exciting, I know.

 

But whatever. Get off my back—I have cancer.

 

Hahaaa……. Jokes people, JOKES. Calm dowwwn. I have cancer so I’m allowed to say that kind of stuff. I joke about it all the time, and I can--because I OWN cancer…….Cancer is my bitch. And it’s goin’ down.

Anywhooo…….

Aside from getting in a fight with a 75-year-old man about who’s got the best cancer story, life’s been pretty uneventful.

 

Tell ya later.

But no,really…..............….

So like, A LOT has happened since I last wrote my one and only rockin’ blog post exactly ONE month ago as of two days ago. Not only has a lot happened since then, but I still need to catch you up on what happened before I posted the first time! UGH! We have so much to do…. Or actually, I have a lot to write and you have a lot to read. I mean, if you’re willing…... But if not, then “GET OOOUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTT!!”  (That's my crazy teenager voice.)

Okay, grow up.

It’s been a while since I’ve written because unfortunately, like I said, I’ve actually felt pretty crummy during this second round of therapy… L Yes, I do have the fanny—aka Kitty—with me once again. Ugh…. Shoot me now. And not only that, but I don’t think I ever mentioned that during the time I am forced to hang out with my so-called “friend,” I literally have to go to the doctors’ office EVERY OTHER DAY to get my medicine changed. Woof.

                                   (Me making a really cute face with Kitty.)

So not only do I have to wear the dang thing around 24/7 for 28 days, while dealing with rude and ignorant people, pretending not to stare at the tube hanging out of my chest everywhere I go….. but I have to basically sacrifice half a day, every other day and drive to St. Louis to deal with this junk..... (Actually, my #1 mom drives me--poor thing.) But I mean, SHEESH! It’s exhausting. For me and my sweet madre. And yes, I am complaining.

But whatever, we can deal. Yes, I know it could be a lot worse... But just let me whine OKAYYY???!

 

Back to what I was sayinggg……. Although this is typically not what I would call a 'fun' treatment, the good thing is that I literally only have four days left and then I am done with this step forever! DONE I TELL YA! And I swear I'm gonna drop kick that fanny-pack just like Hope Solo.

 

Moving on.  Let me just go ahead and catch you up on my recent gossip, as well as the full plan that lies ahead…….

Here’s the good news:

I have found a donor for my bone marrow transplant.

 

………………….Okay, let me say that one more time.
 

I HAVE FOUND A DONOR FOR MY BONE MARROW TRANSLPLANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Um, just FYI--this isn’t just simply good news. This is…… ya know,WONDERFUL-FABULOSO-MAGNIFICENT-SUPER NARLY NEWS!! Wahoooooooooooooooo!!!

 

And no, I don't know who it is, so don't ask. He, or she, or he-she is from the national donor list (let's pray it's not a he-she) and you can't find out until like a year later or something like that.

But clearly, the fam and I were pretty pumped to find this out. And not only have I found a donor, but MY particular donor is a 10/10 match…. which is like, “THE BEST KIND” you can get! (Name that movie!) That means this person’s DNA is almost identical to my own--almost like we could be twinsies! Creepy cool…….

Am I trying to brag? Well of COURSE!

So YAAAAAY! Hooray for that! It’s uh, kind of a big deal, so I just thought I’d share that with you all. :)

Basically, from here on out I will be busier than a mofo. Not that I haven’t been busy lately, but I’m talking pretty much “every-day-appointments” busy.

Like I said, I have exactly one more week until I get “unhooked” from the fanny drugs. Unfortunately, I do have to have a bone marrow biopsy and a spinal tap this Friday before they set me free so they can check on my status. Boo-hoo, wah-wah, craaaap.  

These two procedures are definitely not my favorite things in the whole wide world….... But on the other hand, the anesthesia I get for them may or may not be a party inmy head.

 

Would it make me a druggie if I said I liked it??

 

......……….…… Don’tanswer that.

Anyways, so after I say “Good-bye Kitty” forever, I will have a little over a two week break from the cancer treatments before going in for the big transplant.

 SA-WEEEEEEEEET ACTION!!!!! I love breaks.

But just hold on there, partner. Do you seriously think I’d get off that easy? Ha…. no. Of course not. We’re about to get real personal, so brace yourselves my friends…..

Back in June when everything was just getting started, we were having pretty big communication issues with my doctors. Although my docs are among the best in thecountry, and although I am blessed enough to literally have the MAIN SQUEEZE ofallllllll the doctors in the Siteman Cancer Center—their communication skills suck balls.

Seriously. There is no other way to describe it. I’ve even said those exact words to my doctors. Ask my mom….... She’s so proud.

So the first few times I met with my dude, he was really nice and basically telling me how the study treatment I was going to receive had all of these positive things about it. For example, he said I wouldn’t feel nauseated, I wouldn’t have to have chemo, and I wouldn’t lose my hair.

Now unless you’re someone who has been through cancer and lost your hair, then you don’t really “get it—get it”…….... But that last line was like, a pretty big deal.

“My hair? You mean I get to keep my hair?!!”

Let’s just say that anyone, especially a girl, would be pretty freaking excited to hear that. Young, perhaps early twenties, dark shoulder-length hair—used to be blonde but lost that more than just a few times, may or may not have some serious complex issues because of the million times she's been a baldy…………. Yeahhhh. That girl would probably be ecstatic.

I mean, let’s be honest. One of the biggest side-effects of cancer treatments that screams “I’m a really sick mofo” is when you see a bald person walking around. That’s just the way it is.

Anyways, I won’t bore you with the whole miscommunication fiasco that went on for a few weeks after my doctor told me that information….. But basically, in a nutshell—He was so wrong. And not only that, but he left out some pretty important information about my treatment--including life-changing side effects that I would have to deal with because of it.

I met with his nurse practitioner a few weeks later, and she informed me (ever so heartlessly, might I add…. bia) that right before the bone marrow transplant, I would have to do one full week of super-intense, full body radiation AND chemotherapy. And, “Oh yeah, you will probably become infertile after that----No, you will become infertile. Oh, and you will lose all of your hair, too.”

 

 

 

                                                        (Clearly, my reaction.)

…………………………………………………………………………"Heh?"

 

A lot to take in all at once?

 

I'd think so.

I’m just gonna be real with you and say that this was definitely one of the worst moments I’ve had throughout this experience so far. In all seriousness, my heart totally, totally sank.

The hair thing sucked, yes…. But being able to keep it almost seemed too good in the first place. I’ve dealt with that before and it does eventually grow back, even if it does seem like ten-thousand years—But I can handle that……... But the fertility thing? I mean, once those baby makers are gone, they’re gone….. And the fact that I hadn’t even thought about it being a possibility until then is what made it that much harder. It’s apart of a woman that when taken away, you can never get it back.

As for the doctor’s dumbass forgetting to mention that to me—I mean, c’mon….. Don’t you think that’s a liiiittle bit of an important thing for me to know? Especially as a young woman? I mean, does it LOOK like I’m thirty-five with child-slaves running around my house yet?? I don’t think so.

It’s not like I want any little creatures right now. But I mean, when I get through this crap once and for all, ya know…. It would be nice to move on with what I hope to be somewhat of a “normal” twenty-something year old life. And later on, when the time is right, I would love to have the option of creating a bad-ass mini-me if I want to.

I can handle anything. Really, I can. But I just have to have a heads up or an idea of what to expect so I can prepare myself a little. If I’m going to lose my hair, fine. Just let me know ahead of time if at alllllll possible. Because if I wake up one morning and all my hair is just laying there, chillin’ on my pillow--detached from my head without forewarning.... I’m gonna be pissed.

SO JUST TELL ME!! I’ve dealt with it before. And although it may seem like the end of the world to some self-absorbed college girls who literally rely on the fact that they have long, gorgeous hair (most likely J-Simp extensions)  which makes them think they’re supermodels and therefore take 1,000 pictures of themselves everyday via Iphone or webcam ………..…… Surprisingly, it’s not. J

Anyways, enough of my tangent.

 

Clearly, I had a boo-hoo moment…. For me and for other girls who have had that punch-in-the-stomach feeling when hearing news similar to that. But then things got a little better.

 

After the whole fertility/”your communication skills really freaking suck, Doc” drama, we were able to talk to a few people and I was quickly blessed to find a fertility doctor who is going to be able to help save some of my womanhood—aka “baby eggs.” Hoooorayyyyyy!!!!!

This was a GINORMOUS blessing, and it was pretty much the first thing in a long time that was able to take a huge weight off of my shoulders. So thank you Jesus! And thank God, because we know some dude out there is just waiting to snatch those things up and make some strikingly-beautiful offspring.

We were even more blessed when the super nice 'baby-maker-saver' Doctor hooked us up with the LIVESTRONG foundation, who is helping us pay for a chunk of the procedure since it isn’t covered by our insurance. So say what you want about Lance Armstrong, but he’s a good man!! He’s making a difference in young adults' lives who are dealing with cancer every day—including mine. Roids or no roids….. You leave that man alone!

 

So yeah, during my two-week break from treatment I will be pretty busy doing all the fertility stuff. Although it stinks that I don’t get much of a real break, I know it will definitely be worth it in the long-run when I decide I need a kid to go fetch the paper.

But actually, I will at least get to have a little bit-o-fun planning/celebrating a bridal and bachelorette party for one of my best friends in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD!! I’m sharing this with you because 1.) I loooove my frans, 2.) I looove party planning, 3.) I've basically been planning this all out since since the day we met because I'm a big-time weirdo, and 4.) It will be the first time in a long time that I will get to have a little fun! Whoot whoot! Praise the Lord.

Which brings me back to “the plan.”

So after my two and a half weeks of freedom are up, then I will officially go in to the hospital to start preparation treatment for my transplant on September 19th. 

First, I will have a mini procedure done to get what is called a “central line,” which  is what they use to do the bonemarrow transplant as well as give me drugs and other good stuff. It's basically an under-the-skin IV that's easier for them to use instead of constantly poking my arms with needles and making me look like a heroin addict.

I actually already have what is called a “port” that they use to do similar things with, aside from the transplant..... They can’t use my port during that for complicated reasons, which is why I have to get the second one.

After that procedure is finished, I will do full-body radiation, twice a day for three days. Then I will do two days of intense chemotherapy. They are doing this because they are trying to wipe out all of what is clearly marrow that hates me and get my body ready for the new, wonderfully working marrow from my transplant donor.

After those unfortunately grueling days, I will receive one full day of rest (Just like God, because he loves me so much).

FINALLY, it will be time for the event we’ve all been waiting for! I will have my bone marrow transplant on Tuesday, the 24th........ AHHHHHH! Crazy stuff.

 

It’s gonna be awesome, let me tell ya.

After all that madness, I will FINALLY begin my recovery phase in the hospital for 2-4 weeks………..... And wha-lah! Let’s pray to God that this chapter in my life will be over once and for all.

 

Aaaand that’s about it! Lots of info, I know. Sorry for the second novel I promised you wouldn't have to read.

 

And sorry, no scarring memories from high school.........

Except for the fact that this one time, this girl was really pissy at me for something and said to someone, “I mean, seriously, what is Ashley Brown gonna do? Go get cancer again?!”

 

HAHA! How rude, right? I mean, who says that? I wonder how she feels now.... Since I've gotten cancer twice again since then? Probably not bad because she's an arrogant ass and always has been. Freakin' man.   

And then this other time a girl was making fun of me at a party where some of my friends were and while playing a game of charades and live-telephone said mockingly, “I’m Ashley Brown and I have caaaan-cer!"

 

.................Idiot.

I'm telling you, girls are MEAN.

 

But the fact that most of these girls turned out to be a bunch of little pot heads makes me giggle..... Is that a mean thing to say??

 

Screw it. I don't care--I have cancer. I'll say what I want.


All I know is that someday, those girls are gonna have kids.... And if they ever have to deal with those kids getting picked on for any reason, they're gonna feel really bad about how they acted towards other people when they were younger! .....Or let's hope they do for the sake of their devilish souls. But for now, it's MY turn to be the picker-on-er. Muahahahahaaa!

 

Anyways, if you don't mind and you still like me after I made the "pot head" comment, please pray that my bone marrow biopsy on Friday comes back negative for leukemia cells! That would be marvelous, and would also mean I am in complete remission. J

 

Fingers crossed and prayers up! You da best.

 

 

-FFCG

                                (Kitty as a sling when I feel like being cool.)

WELCOME to my freaking fabulous blog!

FINALLY, the time has come….. Actually, the time has come, and passed… come, and passed… come, and passed. So technically, this is way overdue.

Whatever. I’m here and I’m doing it now. So you just hush your mouth right now! ......Now, about WHAT has actually passed—or first, you probably want to know a little about me and what this blog is about…. or maybe not, but too bad so sad.

My name is Ashley Brown, and I am a 23 year-old, two-time cancer survivor and current cancer patient. I am now being treated for a second relapse with ALL leukemia. So yes, that that makes it my third throw down with cancer. Awesome, right? I know. What was God thinking?? …..Hopefully conjuring up some magnificent plan for me to eventually rule the world and save all the starving babies.

Buuutttt, in the meantime, I will begin a new kind of therapy for my “disease” (I do not like that sickly word, but I'll use it) called “Target-cell/T-cell therapy.” And, in case you didn’t knowww--it is the newest, AND the kewwwlest therapy on the block! It’s used in many different illness cases; however, right now it’s being used to treat ME J Because I’m awesome J And I like to try cool new things J And cool new things think I’m cool too and wanna hang out and be awesome together J

Anyways, technically there is this big long word for the treatment I am getting, but no one ever remembers it and neither do I. So I am just going to give you the shortcut name that even the doctors use and that is “BITE Therapy.” Which, just FYI, my mom always says is “a perfect fit for me.” I honestly don’t know what she means by this, but all I can think of is that she thinks it either represents my sassiness, or that she believed me last month when I told her I was a vampire….. Who knows? She’s weird. But either way, I love her like a mofo… and moms are always right J

Back to what I was sayinggg...... So I will receive this “BITE” treatment for 28 days, 24/7………....... TWENTY-FOUR-SEVEN!!! I mean, come on…. Isn’t that a little redic? I mean it’s definitely annoying Mister, and I will tell you why right now: Not only do you have to stay in the hospital for like, 15 of those 28 days…. But the REST of the 28 days have to be battled out with a FANNY PACK attached to you at all times! A fanny pack people….. and a fanny pack will never be flattering. NEVER! So not only am I fighting for my life here, but I’m fighting for my so-called “style dignity.” And God knows I didn’t win best dressed in high school due to that beotch who ruined my chances by telling everyone I wanted it..... EVEN THOUGH I DIDN’T!!! I wanted to be "most likely to be president," duh…. and that's what I GOT, yo! Clearly rules over all the "most likeeeys." So suck on that girl who spread that around like butta. Now I rule YOU! Ha. (evil smile, point, and maybe some heaving).

Okay, I’m sorry. You just witnessed two things right there: 1. Me being a whiney baby about treatment that really hasn’t been all that bad except for at the beginning--I mean, it’s saving my life so let's cut it some slack. and 2. Me bringing up hurtful memories from high school that I clearly am not over and desperately need to see a therapist about. However, I don’t know if I can afford that…. So you may end up being my therapist. But we’ll talk more about that later.

Anywaysss, back to the therapy-scoop: After the 28 days, I get about a 2 week break which, lucky you for knowing meee, IS HAPPENING NOW!! Hoooorayyy!! I like to call this  “My New Found Freedom,” because, no joke my friends, you will neva know unless it’s you. Not trying to be a whiney baby--just saying...... It sucks balls.

So, after my "New Found Freedom" (aka 2 weeks off), I will go back and begin another round of this 28 day, 24/7 treatment (wah wah). However, the plus is that instead of staying in the hospital for 15 days like the first time around, I only have to stay around 2 or 3 to make sure I handle it well. Woop de woop!

Finally, after all that goodness is finished, I will have a few free weeks and then I will go in to the hospital to get all pumped up with awesomeness. This awesomeness, called “chemotherapy” and “radiation” will prepare me for my bone marrow transplant—which, by  the way, is not really that awesome in people’s minds when thinking about how it makes them feel and stuff, but luckily it doesn’t care and does its job anyway…… And this is good, because in the end it’s a part of what saves people’s lives.... including mine. No big deal.

Then, last but not least, the bone marrow transplant will take place and—TA-DA! We’re just gonna go ahead and say I am going to be good to go. Of course, I will be stuck in the hospital for a few weeks after the transplant…. Possibly up to a month actually, and I'll maybe hit a few bumps along the way, but that’s okay. Who cares? As long as I’m pimptastically cancer free!

So anyways, for now, here I am…. After literally one month of procrastination, starting my first official blog that I had planned to do forever and a decade ago. And not only has it been one month of procrastination, but like I said: This is also the week I am totally FREE of my therapy! And when I say free, I mean I am not locked up in a hospital room hooked up to a “pod,” nor am I at home hooked up to drugs and walking around with a fanny pack I call Kitty.

This is a great day.

But yeah, that’s the scoop with me! Although it wasn’t anything I planned for this summer, especially since I DID plan to go to California for an internship (ugh), I have accepted the situation and decided to make the best of it……… for the third time…..…. In ten years…..….Shit.

Yes, I have literally been dealing with cancer for ten years of my life. It began when I was 13 and I am now 23. Woof.

Clearly I’m not ecstatic about the situation; However, that doesn’t mean I am a Negative Nancy. I’ve learned that it’s okay not to be happy all the time when going through something like this, and that being unhappy once in a while doesn’t make you negative. It makes you sane. I think if someone were happy the whole time they were going through something like this then they would be IN-sane. Seriously. I think I’d have to karate-kick someone I didn’t like in the wiener at least five times a day to be that happy.

Anywaysss…….. enough of my sick pleasures. You’re probably wondering, “Okay, thanks for the in-depth description of the roadmap you will be taking over the next few months as well as the scarring visuals at the end there.…. Now what’s the point of your blog?” (Or not, but let’s pretend like that is your question.)

“Well, that is a perfectly good question my friend! Please give me a second so I can answer that in the best possible way.”……………………………................

Okay. The reason I am writing this is mostly for me, but also to keep people in the loop of what’s going on during my dramatic episode of “TRUE LIFE: I HAVE CANCER FOR THE THIRD FREAKING TIME AND I’M ONLY 23.” I’m not much for putting personal info on Facebook, because I believe that it nor Twitter is the place to post about our life story so that everyone and their grandma can read it…. That’s what blogs were made for! So someone can CHOOSE to read about something if we want—not so we get on the internet and the first thing that pops up on our screen is an in-depth description of your best friend’s, boyfriend’s  12-yr old sister’s dramatic breakup that happened at the watering hole on Sunday.

I’m writing this blog so I don’t go IN-sane and so I can fill in my peeps who want to know a little bit more about what it’s like to go through something like this.

This is also a place you can look if you are having a bad day, because I can almost promise you (after the first few weeks) that there will be at least one blog post making fun of something OR someone on here. This is due to the fact that almost everything in the world annoys me and I need somewhere to share or I WILL explode. I blame it all on cancer.

Finally, this is a place where I hope to inspire people. As we grow up, we lose sight of our innocence and it’s a lot harder to focus on the good things in life. A lot of times, when something bad happens to us we let it consume ourselves….. and that seems to be what our life is made up of for a long time, if not forever for some people.

Every day, especially around my age, I see things written on Facebook and Twitter by people about how they have the worst life in the world and blahh blah-blah blahhhhh……....…….... Dude, I’m seriously not going to waste my time writing an inspirational number of paragraphs right now about how good we all have it. I could, but it’s forgettable. Just like any other old savvy “inspirational” Twitter account (Which, by the way, are so contradicting--I can't take all that confusion!).

All I am going to say is pretty much what I say anytime I start feeling sorry for myself: It’s a lot easier to pick out the few bad things in life than the numerously good. Remember that there is ALWAYS someone out there who has it worse than you. And of course, everything happens for a reason (everyone says it—it’s annoying—but face it, it’s true).

Anyways, so that’s pretty much the reasoning behind this. Basically………… I WANNA DO IT, K?!

Now, if you’re sincerely interested in knowing how I am doing, then that’s fine…. Please indulge yourselves in my online-journal of life-threatening adventures anytime you please! (See how that all made sense but in a creepy way?)

If you are only interested in getting some free shits and giggles from time to time due to having a bad day…… then again, please indulge.

Howeverrr, if you are only interested in reading this because of these next two things I am about to discuss, then you truly have no business here. Hey, I’m a cool gal—I promise! I genuinely love everyone in this world aside from the cow. And if you know me, you know “the cow.” We forgive the cow, but we never forget the cow.

Anyways, 2 reasons you do not belong here: Other than the fact that you are a child of the devil….

 A-You just want to be nosey. And even though you’ve never been a huge fan of my quirky awesomeness, you just HAVE to know some dirt so that if and when my name is brought up somewhere, you can talk talk talk and act like you know everything that’s going on in my life, or you can like, “OMG, pretend we are BEST friends!” even though we’ve never ever talked before this cancerasaurus came up and bit me in the ass.

Or…..

B—You don’t like me at all and you want to sit around at your 9^th grade sleepover and read it in front of all of your friends so you can all laugh about it together, and THEN take a picture of all of you there flipping off the blog (…..Yes, blog. What is this world coming too?) and THEN post it on the internet with the caption “I wonder who this is to?? Hahahahaha”..........Bitches.

No. Please don’t. Because if you are doing one of these two things, I am just going to assume you have a big LESBIAN crush on me (name that movie!) and I will hunt you down and break your heart by telling you I like boys…. And boys only. See? Right there. The heartbreak is already taken care of. So therefore no one like that should be taking the time to read my blog and be a meanie head. Ta-daaa! (Again.... "B" may or may not be another high school memory we need to deal with in our therapy sessions..... We'll get back to that.)

Alright, well this is the humongous introduction that was created by my prolonged procrastination, and I am so sorry you had to deal with all that. I really just had some explaining and catching up to do on some shiz! I promise not all of my posts will be this long and explanative about my therapy plan…. But ya know, I had to get the outline explained so everything will make sense when I get down to the good stuff in the future! Pweease forgive me.. L

Since I wasn’t writing during my first month of therapy, I will probably spend the first few posts telling you a little about what went down that the ol’ Siteman Center in the past month which will be more than entertaining. I will be fillin’ ya in on my day-to-day diagnosis on what and how I am doing, too…….Not to mention that I will be discussing whatever HOT topic is annoying me that particular day (to relieve stress, not to be meeean, duh).  I might even post a surprise photo on here if you’re lucky! Heck, I just don’t know--depends on what mood I’m in. Some days you may just be surprised! So that means you’re gonna want to check in every once in a while to see what’s crackin’! J

Alright, well, sorry I’m not sorry this blog introduction was so long…….. It's just going to be so AWESOOOME, I am telling you!! I know I tell long stories with interesting side details that makes everything I am talking about like, five times longer, buttt.... Like it or leave it until tomorrow…. we’ll deal then.

-FFCG